I am not sure where to even begin. The beginning seems like so long ago yet it really wasn't. My son has childhood onset bipolar disorder. A diagnosis filled with misconception, controversy and stigma. If you are reading this then I am assuming that you are curious, know someone with this same diagnosis or have way too much time on your hands! Regardless of why you are here - you are welcome. I have been silent for too long and have so much going on inside my head that I just had to do something with it lest my head explode. So my thanks to you for stopping by and pursuing this blog.
It has been a long, hard road yet I am lucky. I have insurance, supportive family, a GREAT psychiatrist that calls me back on the weekends and resources. Yet, there are days when I find that facing the day is just too much. Days that I want to escape from but they haven't even started yet. No matter the day, I get up and face it just like everyone else. Some days I do this with grace and dignity and some days I do it with disgrace. Some days are easy and light. Some days are dark and disturbing. Sometimes I am dark and disturbing.
So you know what I am writing about and possibly why I am writing. I have a child with an emotional disorder and with that diagnosis there are certain challenges that I face on a daily basis. I have tried participating in listserves with other parents just like me but I can't do it. It is too depressing. After reading just two of those posts I am filled with guilt and fear. Guilt over not having it all that bad in comparison and fear of where I my life and the life of my son may end up one day. I see why these women (mostly women) post, I see why they write when I am sure that they have no time. Why they give up time that they could be sleeping. Because they are silently dying on the inside. Feeling so alone and misunderstood. So they post because they can reach out to others who understand and get support for the unsupportable, understanding for the not understandable and hope when they are out of hope. I know, I have been there.
I think that I would have started this a long time ago if I didn't have my friend. Our sons met in preschool, back when things seemed normal, and she and I have weathered our sons storms, diagnosis and ups and downs together. We have talked about starting our own blog - but both of us are barely keeping our heads above water. So I am grateful to her but I need another outlet. I need a place where I can write and get it all out. I can call her but so often I get 2 minutes into it and I am interrupted and have to get off the phone. These times leave me more deflated and upset than before I called her. It is like being thrown a life preserver and then just as you are about to reach it, they pull it back to the boat without you grabbing hold. Yes, there are days where I feel I am only a couple of gasps away from going under for good.
So here I begin. I start with this. I welcome your experience, strength and hope but I do not want your advice. You have not walked in my shoes and have no idea what my life is like no more than I know what yours is like. What is right for you, may not be right for me and it is up to me to figure that out. I do not need to find your God, change doctors or diets or schools. What I need is a place to let it all out and to provide a forum for others to do the same - without judgment or advice giving. I do not want to tell you what to do or how you should feel - I just want to share with you what I do and how I feel about what I do. So with that great disclaimer - I welcome you to my world. A world that is filled with ups and downs, joyous moments and moments of great despair, loving hugs and explosive rages, with days that appear normal to the outside but are anything but on the inside, for hopes and dreams for my son's future and fear about what the future may or may not bring. If you have a child that is similarly afflicted - you know what I am talking about. You know it all too well and I hope that you will find time in your chaotic life to share it with us. I have raised the white flag to my son's many red flags and I hope you can too!
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